Official Hero (Part 2/2)

Tests, day 2

The following day, amidst a terrible clamor and disturbance resounding through the windows, the psychologist correctly guessed that Goku had returned. She approached, recognizing Goku who had been isolated in the middle of the training grounds. A battalion of soldiers, each at a respectable distance, were booing him. It was clear from their exclamations that these thugs didn’t appreciate the prospect of this intruder joining their army. Downstairs, an officer other than the General arrived to calm things down.

“We’re under attack!” shouted a soldier. “He didn’t follow entry protocols, he went straight through the no-fly zone, and he dodged and ignored our warning shots.”

“You should really stop shooting at people,” Goku said.

“It’s standard procedure! This is a military defense facility, that’s our job!”

“Silence, soldiers,” the officer’s voice boomed with authority. “You all know exactly who this is, and that he is not an intruder! And as for you, Son Goku, you may be our guest but you are also a visiting civilian! Submit to the safety procedures as you’ve been instructed! Entry will only be permitted through the main gate, and you’ll have to walk the last mile on foot!”

“We don’t need him!” interrupted another soldier. “He’s not even human!”

It was quite an ironic interjection, as the one who had made it was actually a pterodactyl.

“That’s not your concern. Besides, he’s not here to become a soldier. He’s being considered as a strategic advisor and special agent for solo operations.

“We aren’t born human, we become it,” Goku suddenly added.

Everyone paused in dumbfounded silence, and Goku understood that he needed to continue.

“I came here as a Saiyan baby from another planet. But I was raised as a human on Earth, so that’s how I gained my humanity.”

There was really nothing anyone could say about that. Quite a few of those present didn’t come from perfect home situations, and in fact the army had become their true family.

“Ah, there you are!” Goku said. He turned towards the window where the psychologist was, then flew towards her. Matt took a step back as he reached her floor. Taking advantage of the space, he came through the window horizontally before executing fluid landing on his feet. He then stepped into her office.

“We can resume your tests now.”

“Uh... ah, yes... certainly, let’s begin. But they’re not here actually. Follow me.”

As they began walking, Matt took the opportunity to ask a few questions.

“So, you were born on another planet then? Would that make your parents... intergalactic immigrants?”

“Actually I never met my parents.”

Before she had a chance to say she was sorry, he continued.

“They kinda sent me here to wipe out all of humanity so they could sell the planet.”

“They did what?”

“Yeah, but I forgot. Turns out sending babies to do something like that is pretty stupid.”

“How? But?”

“You don’t need to worry. The Saiyan race was destroyed, they’re gone now.”

“But to kill all of humanity? They ordered you to do that?!”

“Like I said, I won’t and never will. I’m not a maniac. But now that I think about it, quite a few of my friends had similar stories. Lots of them wanted to or tried to kill everyone, but they were all stopped before it came to that. And now everything’s fine... Piccolo, Vegeta, Android 18...”

“Why would you have so many friends that used to be genocidal?”

“Eh, what’s important is that they’re all on our side now. Like my friend Tenshinhan, he trained to be a professional assassin. But instead he became a defender of the weak and innocent. And, come to think of it...” Goku said with raised eyebrows, “even Yamcha used to be a brigand...”

Matt remained silent the rest of the way.

They arrived at the same room as the previous day, where on the table was again a small cup...

“This time, allow me to fully give you the instructions,” Matt said quickly. “You see before you a cupcake. You may eat it at any point, BUT, if you hold back for fifteen minutes we will give you two cupcakes to eat.”

“Hmmm,” Goku said, amazed. “That’s easy.”

“We will see,” Matt simpered, who had been informed that her patient was a huge glutton. “I’ll leave you alone with...”

*CHOMP*

Son Goku had quietly taken the cupcake and already swallowed it whole, even though she’d only taken a single step towards the door. Her eyes widened enough to protrude from her face and her jaw hit the floor. It looked like a scene straight out of Dr. Slump.

“Wow, not bad,” Goku smiled, licking the crumbs up.

“But...but? Seriously? You didn’t even last one second?”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Waiting!”

Goku took a seat in the chair. “Waiting? You didn’t tell me you wanted me to wait, you just said I could make a choice, like yesterday with the trains. I could eat the cake now or have two in a quarter of an hour. I chose now.”

“I...” she sighed... “Yes, I see. In a way it is a choice. But the intent was to test your ability to wait, resisting the temptation. If say, after five minutes, you gave in and ate the cake rather than continuing to wait.”

“But you didn’t say that about the waiting.”

“True, I see that I have failed once again. But, I’ve still gleaned something interesting nonetheless. Would you explain to me why you chose not to wait? Was it simply easier?”

“Easier? No.”

“Would you not have preferred to eat two cakes?” Matt realized that since Goku had used that word, no one had said ‘cupcake’ anymore.

“I thought about it, but I remembered something. Sometimes in these little cakes there is fruit in the middle — like a prune for example, and I don’t like how they taste. Other ones have these little liqueurs inside that I don’t like either. So I figured it wouldn’t be worth waiting for if it turned out to be that kind, it would just be a waste of time! I might as well test which kind it is and if it turns out to be one of those, then at least I was over with it quickly. Anyway, given how small it is, having one or two isn’t really that much of a difference.”

“Ah... I... will take note of that.”

Unable to say more, she exited the room into a hallway with Goku following. When he caught up to her, she began to explain the next bit of testing they would do.

“This next exercise is known as ‘Milgram’s experiment.’

“More cakes to make you fat, I imagine?”

They entered another room. In the center was a wide desk with a chair on both of the long ends. On one end of the table, facing the first empty chair, was a control panel with a large button, a slider, and a stack of notecards. On the other side of the table was a person dressed in civilian clothes, sitting in a chair that had straps on the armrests.

Matt gestured for Goku to take a seat in front of the chair with the control panel, while she remained standing.

“In this experiment, you will act as the teacher and Sencha here is your pupil,” she explained. “Our goal is to test memorization of important information. You’ll see a stack of cards before you, each of those will have a set of numbers written on it. After you read those numbers aloud, Sencha will have to remember and recite them back in the correct order. If she succeeds, you will move on to the next card, but if she fails you will press the button.

Goku pulled out the top card, looking at it. It contained the numbers 3, 10, and 11 on it. He looked down at the button, which was marked with a small lighting bolt symbol.

“This button will trigger a small electric stimulation to the student in order to prick their memory. With each mistake, you will need to raise the slider incrementally, which increases the power behind the shock.”

Goku noticed that the sliding lever was currently set all the way at the lowest setting. And also that near the top there were several higher levels with the word ‘danger’ written above them.

“Do you understand?”

“Uhmm...”

“I’ll guide you, it’s simple. Let’s begin.”

Sencha rested her forearms on the armrests and Matt tightened the straps. A set of wires were connected from there to underneath the desk.

“Begin by reading the first numbers clearly.”

“Alright,” Goku said. “Three, ten, eleven.”

Matt turned to the student.

“Three, ten, eleven.”

“Next card, please.”

He pulled out another and read.

“Twenty four, eighteen, forty, one hundred and three, thirty one.”

“Twenty four, eighteen, forty, one hundred and three, and thirty one,” Sencha replied.

Goku pulled out the next. “Whew,” he sighed. “Okay. Two hundred and twelve, fifty two, sixty seven, thirty three, three hundred and twenty one. That’s a lot.”

“Two hundred and twelve, fifty two, uh... sixty seven.” Sencha remained silent for a moment. “Thirty two? Five. And three hundred and twenty-one.”

“She made a mistake,” Matt said. “Press the button.”

Goku complied, hearing a small ‘dzz’ sound when he pressed, to which Sencha reacted with a small yelp.

The Saiyan’s gaze suddenly hardened. His hand hovered over the button.

“Did the button do this? Did it hurt her?”

“Yes,” Matt replied, "it's electroshock. But at the lowest setting, it doesn’t really hu...”

Goku’s hand became rigid and he reached down and crushed the button and the entire control panel — his hand cut through as easily as butter, smashing the entire console. He then stood to his feet and ripped off the straps on the armrests, before anyone had time to react. Then Matt received a glare from Goku that truly scared her.

“Why’d you do that? Are you torturing other people like her? This is over!”

“What...”

“Don’t be afraid, Sencha. You won’t be forced to do that again.”

“Wait, it’s not what you think,” Sencha said in a panic. “I was pretending!”

“What?”

“The wires aren’t actually connected, I was just pretending to be in pain to see your reaction...”

“It’s... part of the test,” Matt added.

There was a long silence, both of them allowing Goku the time to process. When he had finished, he turned to the exit.

“Never do that again.”

Matt caught up to Goku in the hallway.

“My apologies, Mr. Son, it was just a test! I didn’t think...”

“A test to see if I’d allow someone to suffer? It’s my enemies who do things like that.”

“And that’s a great thing, you see! You’ve made a strong demonstration of your integrity!”

He paused to consider what she meant by integrity, among other things.

“And frankly if I’m being honest, it reassures me quite a lot. Knowing you’ve got these unbelievable god-like powers, I feel much better knowing you aren’t someone who can be influenced — and that you’ll stay on the side of good.”

The General, on the other hand, might not appreciate Goku’s strict adherence to such goodness, and that he might not take well to any orders that ventured into gray territory, but that was his problem, she thought.

“Can we move past this incident, sir... Mr. Goku?”

“Alright, fine,” he answered. “But no more tricks.”

“I will see to it, you can be certain!”

He would have to come back again the next day for the final tests...

Later that evening the Son family was seated around the dinner table eating together.

“How was it, Dad?” Gohan asked.

“Kinda weird. Do you know about the train test?”

“Uh... don’t think so.”

“And the kilogram experience?”

“Not that either...”

“What about the marshmallow and cake test?”

“Are you sure those are military tests, Dad?”

It was a shame that Goku couldn’t properly describe the tests, because Gohan had heard about the trolley dilemma, the Milgram experiment, and the Stanford Marshmallow experiment. So, his family listened to Goten as he enthusiastically described an episode of anime he’d watched earlier that afternoon.

Tests, day 3

The final day of testing finally arrived. As Goku followed the shrink to a room he knew well, his olfactory senses were suddenly assailed by a delicious aroma. He practically trotted the last few steps, quickly opening the door which was already ajar. On the usual table was a beautiful plate garnished with a smoked chicken leg covered in sauce, juxtaposed with a small pyramid of sticky rice. Next to that was a piece of grilled fish, which smelled incredible.

Matt began to speak, noting that Goku was already drooling. “I’ll explain the principle more clearly this time. I will leave you alone in this room. If you’re able to go fifteen minutes without touching this plate, you’ll be treated to a veritable feast with five times the amount of savory craveables as you see before you now, in addition to many other dishes. I daresay it would feed ten normal people!”

“Got it loud and clear,” Goku said, taking a seat. “No problem! Hurry and start the stopwatch,” he said, indicating with a wave of his hand that he was already famished.

Matt grinned wide through her teeth. She had him now! Their previous attempts had failed to properly activate his gluttony, which reports indicated was enormous. But for this test she’d brought in a famous chef, insisting on the importance of the umami smell completely filling the room. Plus, she’d promised him a reward that he genuinely seemed eager to obtain, not just a second bite. Would he make it? Would he not... the horror!!

Matt had just entered the dark room where the experiment could be observed through a one way mirror — and already Goku had his nose plunged mere inches from the plate!

“Oh the dirty slob, he hasn’t even lasted ten seconds! And I couldn’t observe his behavior under the tension!” She paused. “No, wait. He’s just on top of the plate, but he hasn’t actually touched anything.”

“Huuum....” Goku inhaled deeply but slowly, with delicacy. “It looks delicious...”

Matt’s smile returned with delight. This was a promising start, he wouldn’t last long!

Goku then straightened back up in his chair.

“Good. Alright alright...” he looked straight ahead at the wall, white and empty, purposely devoid of anything interesting so as to provide no distractions for the subject.

And he remained that way.

Goku didn’t move at all for several long minutes.

Not a muscle, nothing.

In fact, it wasn’t long before Matt began to lose patience herself. “What’s he doing in there?” she asked herself. “Nothing’s happening!” It was as if the contemplation of all that food getting cold was affecting her rather than him!

After ten full minutes of that, she could wait no longer. She stormed back into the room, with Goku turning to her in surprise.

“Time already?”

“Just what are you doing!?”

“Well, I’m waiting for the fifteen minutes to pass.”

“No, I mean you haven’t moved an inch! That’s not normal!”

“Oh that? It’s nothing, I was just meditating. I cleared my mind, when you have nothing to do it’s the best. Mental discipline is a big part of my martial arts training.”

“What... excuse me? You, a super powered alien warrior... are also some kind of... Zen monk?”

“Kami taught me. I can do this for hours. That’s why I said this test was easy.”

“Urg... Indeed. Well, it appears the test is conclusive then. You’ve demonstrated that when it’s necessary you can call upon infinite patience and resist temptation.”

“Yep, but what about the food? You came back in here before the time was up, didn't you?”

“Hmph, well maybe not infinite,” she chuckled. “Go on, you needn’t wait any longer. The feast is all yours!”

Shortly after, Son Goku wowed an entire kitchen staff — as he’d done many times before — with his insatiable appetite by gobbling up dish after dish.

“I find it most irregular,” commented the General, who had come in to check how things were going. “Any experienced soldier would’ve shown up fully prepared today, having eaten a full breakfast and ready for whatever mission might be assigned to him. And if he’s able to eat lunch, he makes sure to not overeat and stay vigilant.”

“And yet Son Goku did show up this morning having eaten a full breakfast...” Matt responded. “I called his wife earlier to check. She was also useful in telling me what kind of dishes he prefers too. In short, his breakfast was probably enough for about six regular men.”

“Doesn’t he travel a great distance to get here? How long ago was that?”

“He does live very far away, but he made the trip in an instant thanks to teleportation. So...” she looked at her watch ... “about thirty-eight minutes ago.”

The General was flabbergasted by the double revelation. But he quickly forgot about the Saiyan’s infinitely expandable stomach and inquired about the latter.

“Teleportation you say? Instantly?”

“Precisely. He explained to me that he had no desire to walk the last mile through our facility or go through the main entrance, so if it was alright he would appear directly in front of me.”

“That’s incredible, what power!”

“Well I don’t like it at all!”

“Ah, yes, I understand such an ability must be frightening.”

“Well, above all I’m just concerned that I’ll never be truly peaceful on the toilet!”

First mission

Chichi was finally happy.

Life was basically the same. Her husband was doing all the same things as before, only now he was paid legitimately for it. She received pay slips from the government and had even filed her own tax return! What joys there were in the simple normal life.

A few months later, one afternoon, his first real mission arrived.

“Mom!” Goten called down the stairs. “The phone is talking to me.”

“Stop playing with it,” Chichi said. “It’s Dad’s phone.”

“It’s not a game talking, I think it’s some kind of army man.”

“What? Oh dear! It’s a call! Give me that!”

The muffled voice of the interlocutor reached her ears. He was quite pissy too.

“Hello?”

“Finally someone actually answers! This is an emergency number, where is Goku?”

“I’m not sure, I’ll see.”

“How do you not know?... He’s supposed to have this phone on him twenty-four hours a day!”

“If he did that, this phone would’ve been broken or lost a long time ago,” Chichi sighed. “My darling little Goten, can you try and find your father?”

Goten closed his eyes and placed his fingers on his head, one hand on each side of his forehead. He concentrated very very hard and shouted in his mind as far as he could. “DADDY!” He then transformed into a Super Saiyan.

And just like that, his father teleported back to the house.

“Goten! What’s wrong, are you okay?”

“Phone Call for you,” he said as he powered down and pointed his finger at Chichi’s hand.

“Oh, I see.”

He took the phone his wife held out to him.

“Hello?”

“Is this Goku speaking? If so, what’s your secret code word!?”

“Yes. The code is Goku.”

After long consultations and fruitless explanations about security, it was finally decided that Goku would be allowed to use his own name as the code. After all, it was no more guessable than a random word.

The General sighed.

“Alright then, that’s correct... unfortunately. Hurry! Come immediately to the headquarters!”

“No problem,” Goku said, putting two fingers to his forehead to concentrate. He turned northeast, the direction of the HQ building.

“Can you ask your strongest soldier to throw a few punches into the air?”

The General facepalmed into his forehead before repeating the order, which was sent out to a group of troops doing warm up exercises.

“That’d be me!” called Vervein, an arrogant soldier who happened to be in the top 1% strongest men on the planet. He complied immediately and full of enthusiasm, executing a shower of blows into the air in front of him. Suddenly, in the emptiness, appeared Goku, who was struck with both fists right in the face.

Recognizing the invincible warrior, Vervein immediately threw himself on the ground in a panic.

“I’m so sorry, great master! I don’t know how that happened! I would’ve never hit you!”

Goku lowered his head with a smile, and without the slightest mark on his face.

“Oh no problem, it’s good! I spotted your energy and just popped into your way.”

Then he hurried towards the HQ building.

Up in the command room he was shown a screen. There was a satellite view of the Earth. Right next to it, at the equivalent of a single kilometer there was, as there should be, the Moon. Further on, the trajectories of the first satellites were represented. And much further on, a red dot was approaching.

“It’s an invader who has come to destroy our civilization and enslave us!” explained the General.

“How do you know?” Goku asked out of curiosity.

“When we first detected his approach we sent a message requesting identification. He replied to us.”

“Oh I see! Well he’s probably one of Frieza’s leftover friends then! So you’re guessing his intentions are bad?”

“Who is Frieza? Well, in short, I’ll just play you the recording of his answer.”

“Muahahaha! Woe to you! I’m an invader coming to destroy your civilization and enslave you! Send your greatest warriors if you want to survive! Muahahah!”

“Why does he laugh like ‘muahaha’?”

“We don’t know, but can you stop him?”

“Oh sure! I can feel his ki now actually. He’s not that strong.”

With that, Goku disappeared.

“Fool! He can’t breathe in the vacuum of space! And he didn’t even take an earpiece!”

Out in the emptiness of space, an alien was headed towards Earth. He flew without a suit, without a ship, and was rather plainly dressed — he was a muscular, broad-shouldered, dark-skinned cyclops. He appeared to be frowning on his single brow and his smile was evil. He stopped abruptly.

A being had appeared in front of him, shining with a great light. His golden hair was not floating in space, but rather it was spiked straight and holding its shape in many peaks. His aura was powerful and sparkling.

The alien gave a satisfied pout.

“Are you the protective champion of this planet?”

“Yes, and I won’t let you attack it. If you leave now, I won’t hurt you.”

“Muahahahaha!” he said. “Let’s just see what you can do against me!”

And, ignoring Goku’s wise suggestion, the alien charged at him with a menacing punch. The Saiyan avoided it with the slightest movement and took advantage of the opening to hit him in the ribs. The cyclops took the blow but followed up with a kick that surprised his opponent. Goku was unaccustomed to combat in the absence of gravity, and so he was sent careening into the void and had to use his flight technique to avoid hurtling endlessly to the edge of the galaxy.

The fight continued. The alien didn’t seem to have any ki projection techniques, so Goku limited himself to melee. And very quickly it was clear, he was far superior. Goku wondered if this alien was hiding a transformation that would make him stronger, but after dominating the fight for a few minutes he realized that obviously wasn’t the case. The fight had been fun, but he had already won and wouldn’t even need Super Saiyan 2 or 3.

The alien also seemed to be aware he had lost, and stopped attacking entirely. He kept his distance, with Goku doing the same.

“Well well done,” said the alien. “Your planet is well defended.”

“So, are you giving up then?”

“Haha, of course! You passed the test with flying colors!”

“Huh?”

The alien pulled out a small screen from his pocket and a kind of pen.

“Do you mind filling out this satisfaction questionnaire, please?”

“Uhm, what?”

“You mean, you don’t understand? I’m from the Planet Coalition, tasked with making sure planets like yours are well defended. My name is Allen.”

“Uh? And what’s that?”

“Well of course you know about it already, you’re the one who asked to be evaluated!” He pointed to the screen. “It says right here: Planet Urath.”

“Eh, but this isn’t Urath! This is Earth. Earth!”

“Say what?”

Allen the alien let a long silence pass.

“Well, shit.”

Upon his return, Goku spent half a minute just sucking down air. He had held his breath for a long time and wasn’t really used to that. Then he explained to everyone what had happened — the audience had quite a hard time believing him. In order to not chalk this up as what it actually was, a false alarm, the official report merely said that agent Son Goku had saved the Earth from a terrible invader.

And life went on.

And thus, Goku had become an official certified hero of the Earth.

After all, if you chose a job you love, you won’t have to work a day in your life.